Monday, February 16, 2009
tradition for dummies
In my 19-year-old stay in India, I have hosted many foreigners. And on all occasions, I have been tempted to tell stories …ones not true but …ones that make interesting listening. Stories like those narrated to the foreigners by the pan-chewing guides at the gates of Taj Mahal..
As with most things spoken about in this Blog…the tourists are also of two types. There are the tourists from USA and tourists from the other countries. For a not-so-trained eye all would be the same. But for somebody like me…who has spent his life observing people and their backs (in this case back-packs)…there is a major difference between the two.
For the non-US guy…everything Indian is great and is to be appreciated…but for the US tourist everything Indian is to be seen and laughed at from a distance. We might have exceptions on both sides. My apologies if you don’t agree with me.
Here is a bunch of stories I told a very curious and stiff upper lip American tourist I met in Mahabalipuram. I promise I did not start the conversation…
tourist : Hi There! I am Tom Pitt .
me : Hey, I am Ram.
tourist : Nice place this Mahabalpram or whatever you people call it. Back in our country we have stone carvings…but that is on a huge mountain. We call it Mount Rushmore
me : I have heard of it. But I don’t think Mount Rushmore is a traditional site. It doesn’t have the magnetism attached to Mahabalipuram
“What do you mean?” asked the US tourist.
me : I mean, each of these stone carvings in Mahabalipuram depicts a story. But Mount Rushmore is just a mountain, where the busts of four Presidents have been carved out.
" Are you serious? I don’t believe it.” The adamant US tourist burst out.
me : Yes sire. We in India have a story behind everything we do. Unlike your country where everything is driven by logic…and hence is a boring.
tourist : If that is so true pray tell me why the ladies sprinkle water in front of the house everyday? I bet there is no story good enough to justify the hard work, so early in the morning.
I had to think hard. I needed a story that would sound exciting and yet…believable by US standards.
me : You won’t believe this, but hundreds of years back Indians were very peace loving people. They won’t take up arms even against their worst enemies. Because of this non-violence, there emerged another way to express displeasure. Whenever Mr X was upset or angry with Mr Y, Mr X would get up late in the night (around 1-2 a.m.) and walk up to Mr Y’s house…and piss in the front courtyard.
“Ewwww sounds like something..ahhhh wierd....ok so...!!!” The US tourist butted in.
me : Yes. The idea was to let Mr Y know that there was some displeasure over his actions. And over a period of time…everybody was pissing on everybody’s courtyard.
tourist : Must have been quite messy?
me : Yes. But it does feel bad to see your courtyard full piss-marks early in the morning. It is an indicator of the number of people who hate you. Eventually, the ladies in the house decided to sprinkle the whole courtyard with water first thing in the morning...more to cover-up the traces that for anything else. Thus saving some respect for the family.
tourist : “Do you guys still go around pissing in each other’s courtyard?”
me :“Nope we don’t. All that was stopped the moment we took up arms. But the ladies still sprinkle water in front of their houses…early in the morning.”
tourist : “Why?”
I wanted to say, “That’s Indian tradition for you,” but could not, even as I walked away into the sunset.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
in mars we trust...dont u kno!! men r from mars
This post has been inspired and prompted by a statement that a friend of mine made that he could write a thesis on the lines that women use to get out of sticky situations.....
She: You see that guy there? I think he’s damn hot!
Me: Yeah? I think he looks gay actually…..Hahaha (seeing her expression now)...errr....ok....ummmm.
She: F*ck off! He’s HOT!!!!
Me: OK…as you say….
after a while
She: What are you looking at?
Me: Nothing, nothing….just that female there at that table…
She: Listen! You’re out with me ok??? Stop looking at other women!!!
I failed completely to understand what the entire “don’t look at other women” thing was about!!!! So, in usual style, I decided that perhaps the best way to unravel this mystery was to ask another woman about it. The answer I got was, well, nothing short of mystifying in its own right!!!
the female started like “See, it’s like, even if we women are out with someone we’re not seeing him or anything, we don’t like it if the guy is looking at someone else. It’s not really like we’re jealous, but well, you know. (I don’t actually – ********). And like, if we’re looking at some guy we find hot, we know that you’ll understand!” Huh????? It went on, by the way. “Like, even if I may have turned down a guy, I would feel really pissed if he spoke about some other woman.” Now, this just was just insane , as I am sure you will understand (unless I am the only guy here that feels a bit hard-done by this mentality of women), and therefore, for the benefit of mankind (pun intended) at large, I have decided to just pen down a few truths. Women, stop reading here, because your dirty, dark secrets are going to be exposed.
I’ve warned you!!!! Now, guys, remember, when a woman does something wrong, or wants something from you that you would not normally (I mean when you’re in your senses) do or give, she uses a few weapons and lines and you’d be well advised to be on your guard when you see or hear these signals.
1. “I was so confused”. This line invariably means she screwed up and wants you to ignore it. It’ll be accompanied with the “Poor me” expression, wide eyes and welling tears….
2. “I…I thought…I thought you’d understand”. This comes with a quavering voice, bitten lip and more welling tears……it means she really really really screwed up and wants you to ignore in the interest of your relationship and your health!!!!
3.“I…I didn’t know…I didn’t know what to do!” This is meant to appeal to your chivalry (and the MCP streak in you) and make you think of her as a “poor, weak woman” and forgive her big goof-up. All the time, she’s laughing her guts out!!!! Oh and yeah, need I mention, this is also accompanied with….yes, tears!!!!
4. “Don’t ask me to choose…..please.” (More wide eyes and sadness reflecting in the tears that are just ready to spill). Yeah, this line is meant to postpone your ultimatum to her…..it’s the time when she makes you accept the state where she’s having the best of both the worlds….you are expected to play the willing martyr….
Now, there are tons more, but those will have to wait for another day…..and are you wondering how I forgot their primary weapon? I didn’t actually….I was just saving their best for my last…. Tears!!!
So, whether it’s the time you caught her cheating, or spying on you, or the time she falsely accused you, or just when she wants attention or whatever, she’s gonna cry. Now, most of us guys know this already, but we’re still scared s*itless when we see tears!!! And these diabolical creatures use this so well to their advantage(personal experience :( )!!!!! So the next time you see her cry, you know you should be on your guard!!!! Now, I must also give you my advice on this. If you’re a sensible guy, (which by reading my blog you prove you are), you will remember these things and nicely choose to completely ignore them when you’re with a woman next……unless you want a broken leg, an arm in a sling and a bleeding nose…..not to mention a broken relationship…..Now, if I receive any more death threats in my comments, I’ll know that you women failed to heed the statement where I asked you to read no further….proving another thing….women don’t listen!!
p.S : this post is taken to be lightly...nothing was meant to offend the species from venus...its all for just plain fun :)
She: You see that guy there? I think he’s damn hot!
Me: Yeah? I think he looks gay actually…..Hahaha (seeing her expression now)...errr....ok....ummmm.
She: F*ck off! He’s HOT!!!!
Me: OK…as you say….
after a while
She: What are you looking at?
Me: Nothing, nothing….just that female there at that table…
She: Listen! You’re out with me ok??? Stop looking at other women!!!
I failed completely to understand what the entire “don’t look at other women” thing was about!!!! So, in usual style, I decided that perhaps the best way to unravel this mystery was to ask another woman about it. The answer I got was, well, nothing short of mystifying in its own right!!!
the female started like “See, it’s like, even if we women are out with someone we’re not seeing him or anything, we don’t like it if the guy is looking at someone else. It’s not really like we’re jealous, but well, you know. (I don’t actually – ********). And like, if we’re looking at some guy we find hot, we know that you’ll understand!” Huh????? It went on, by the way. “Like, even if I may have turned down a guy, I would feel really pissed if he spoke about some other woman.” Now, this just was just insane , as I am sure you will understand (unless I am the only guy here that feels a bit hard-done by this mentality of women), and therefore, for the benefit of mankind (pun intended) at large, I have decided to just pen down a few truths. Women, stop reading here, because your dirty, dark secrets are going to be exposed.
I’ve warned you!!!! Now, guys, remember, when a woman does something wrong, or wants something from you that you would not normally (I mean when you’re in your senses) do or give, she uses a few weapons and lines and you’d be well advised to be on your guard when you see or hear these signals.
1. “I was so confused”. This line invariably means she screwed up and wants you to ignore it. It’ll be accompanied with the “Poor me” expression, wide eyes and welling tears….
2. “I…I thought…I thought you’d understand”. This comes with a quavering voice, bitten lip and more welling tears……it means she really really really screwed up and wants you to ignore in the interest of your relationship and your health!!!!
3.“I…I didn’t know…I didn’t know what to do!” This is meant to appeal to your chivalry (and the MCP streak in you) and make you think of her as a “poor, weak woman” and forgive her big goof-up. All the time, she’s laughing her guts out!!!! Oh and yeah, need I mention, this is also accompanied with….yes, tears!!!!
4. “Don’t ask me to choose…..please.” (More wide eyes and sadness reflecting in the tears that are just ready to spill). Yeah, this line is meant to postpone your ultimatum to her…..it’s the time when she makes you accept the state where she’s having the best of both the worlds….you are expected to play the willing martyr….
Now, there are tons more, but those will have to wait for another day…..and are you wondering how I forgot their primary weapon? I didn’t actually….I was just saving their best for my last…. Tears!!!
So, whether it’s the time you caught her cheating, or spying on you, or the time she falsely accused you, or just when she wants attention or whatever, she’s gonna cry. Now, most of us guys know this already, but we’re still scared s*itless when we see tears!!! And these diabolical creatures use this so well to their advantage(personal experience :( )!!!!! So the next time you see her cry, you know you should be on your guard!!!! Now, I must also give you my advice on this. If you’re a sensible guy, (which by reading my blog you prove you are), you will remember these things and nicely choose to completely ignore them when you’re with a woman next……unless you want a broken leg, an arm in a sling and a bleeding nose…..not to mention a broken relationship…..Now, if I receive any more death threats in my comments, I’ll know that you women failed to heed the statement where I asked you to read no further….proving another thing….women don’t listen!!
p.S : this post is taken to be lightly...nothing was meant to offend the species from venus...its all for just plain fun :)
music...
i am not much of a music guy. Guess, I am not civilized…and cultured. I am not happening.
For me ‘Rolling Stones’ are nothing but stones that gather no moss. ‘Beatles’ are insects to be squished. ‘Beach Boys’ are the ones that sell peanuts on the beach….'linkin park' is some park linking some other parks...'iron maiden' is made of iron... ‘RadioHead’ for me is the small antenna atop my transistor. ‘Bob Dylan’ and ‘Bob Marley’ are two varieties of beer made from Barley.
‘Pink Floyd’ is something pink that makes a lot of noise.'System Of a Down' is some system which is underneath... ‘U2’ and ‘U40’ are two buses that will take me from alwal (in hyderabad) to kacheguda (again in hyderabad). ‘Led Zeppelin’ is grandson of the man who invented the airborne zepplins used during WW1. ‘Smashing Pumpkins’ is what we Indians do on the road to avoid the evil eye…and in the process kill so many motorists.
‘Madonna’ is just a statue that cries (with tears of blood) whenever required. ‘Elvis Presley’ is some printing press owned by a guy named Elvis. ‘Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ is the Mexican food that my girlfrend likes so much, and I don’t. ‘FatBoy Slim’ is the third atomic bomb US dropped on Japan – yes, the one that did not go off. ‘Nirvana’ is nothing but a mental state of no noise. ‘The Eagles’ are well…eagles.
‘Guns ‘n Roses’ is just a phrase that means war and peace. For me ‘Aerosmith’ is somebody who works on the iron used to build aeroplanes…somebody like a blacksmith. As for ‘Pearl Jam’…I guess it is ocean’s equivalent of a traffic jam, when many oysters (with pearls inside) jam up at a place and affect smooth functioning of the traffic.
‘Shania Twain’ is Mark Twain’s sister …or is it the brother? As for ‘Grateful Death’…well it is a phrase used for somebody who should be grateful if allowed to die.
Like I said, I am not much of a music guy. I know no albums, no bands, and no singers.
For me ‘Rolling Stones’ are nothing but stones that gather no moss. ‘Beatles’ are insects to be squished. ‘Beach Boys’ are the ones that sell peanuts on the beach….'linkin park' is some park linking some other parks...'iron maiden' is made of iron... ‘RadioHead’ for me is the small antenna atop my transistor. ‘Bob Dylan’ and ‘Bob Marley’ are two varieties of beer made from Barley.
‘Pink Floyd’ is something pink that makes a lot of noise.'System Of a Down' is some system which is underneath... ‘U2’ and ‘U40’ are two buses that will take me from alwal (in hyderabad) to kacheguda (again in hyderabad). ‘Led Zeppelin’ is grandson of the man who invented the airborne zepplins used during WW1. ‘Smashing Pumpkins’ is what we Indians do on the road to avoid the evil eye…and in the process kill so many motorists.
‘Madonna’ is just a statue that cries (with tears of blood) whenever required. ‘Elvis Presley’ is some printing press owned by a guy named Elvis. ‘Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ is the Mexican food that my girlfrend likes so much, and I don’t. ‘FatBoy Slim’ is the third atomic bomb US dropped on Japan – yes, the one that did not go off. ‘Nirvana’ is nothing but a mental state of no noise. ‘The Eagles’ are well…eagles.
‘Guns ‘n Roses’ is just a phrase that means war and peace. For me ‘Aerosmith’ is somebody who works on the iron used to build aeroplanes…somebody like a blacksmith. As for ‘Pearl Jam’…I guess it is ocean’s equivalent of a traffic jam, when many oysters (with pearls inside) jam up at a place and affect smooth functioning of the traffic.
‘Shania Twain’ is Mark Twain’s sister …or is it the brother? As for ‘Grateful Death’…well it is a phrase used for somebody who should be grateful if allowed to die.
Like I said, I am not much of a music guy. I know no albums, no bands, and no singers.
Monday, February 9, 2009
VNIT'S QUIZFEST
theres this quizfest along with the cultural festival aarohi in our college,about which my pals asked me to put it in here....
Throughout the two days, informal events shall be conducted to take your minds off the serious business of quizzing. These are primarily for people whose varied interests cannot be taken care of in the main quizzes. With topics ranging from nursery rhymes to cartoons characters and even chocolates, these maintain keep up the quizzing spirit in between quizzes. Fillers like crossword puzzles, jumbled phrases and puzzles are held continuously amid all the quizzing. This is the most awaited part of QuizFest, the part that people enjoy the most.
Throughout the two days, informal events shall be conducted to take your minds off the serious business of quizzing. These are primarily for people whose varied interests cannot be taken care of in the main quizzes. With topics ranging from nursery rhymes to cartoons characters and even chocolates, these maintain keep up the quizzing spirit in between quizzes. Fillers like crossword puzzles, jumbled phrases and puzzles are held continuously amid all the quizzing. This is the most awaited part of QuizFest, the part that people enjoy the most.
Friday, February 6, 2009
They are legends...
In a post-apocalyptic 2012(as predicted by Nostradamous),U.S.army lieutenant colonel P.S.S.Ram(Ram) and captain Tuka(Santu) were the two among the very few left as the last healthy humans in Newyork and possibly the entire world. A genetically re-engineered measles virus created in 2009 as a cure for cancer mutated into a lethal airborne strain that spread worldwide and killed 5.4 billion people, 90% of humanity. Only 12 million possessed a natural immunity. The remaining 588 million degenerated into primal, aggressive beings referred to as "Darkseekers" (hemocytes) whose leader was the jalsa rakshashi(jalsa rakshashi was 5 feet 5 inches,fair in complexion and looked like tom cruise.. ).... . The "Darkseekers" exhibited superhuman speed, agility, and strength. The immune regular humans were hunted, killed by other humans, killed by the Infected or committed suicide.
lieutenant colonel P.S.S.Ram(left) and captain Tuka(right)
the remaining 288 civilians formed an army under the liutenant and the captain...they call themselves the 300(all the 288 people which had the likes of sylvester stallone,arnold scwaznegger and pamela anderson )... ,the army had to fight for their survival with the Darkseekers with forks and spoons as they never had any advanced equipment,starvation was never a problem...thanks to KFC's and Mc.Donalds who accepted SBI debit cards and also sudexo meal passes.. . one day when the 300 were coming back from one of the Las Vegas casino after clebrating a birthday of one of them... a small group of 14,000 darkseekers attack them...the brave 300 under the leadership of superbrave,audacious,dauntless Ram and little less brave Tuka fought them and beat the shit out of them..after the aftermath of the rumble the 300 become 225...and were victorious....But then Ram suddenly realized Pamela anderson was killed...and had gone nuts...in that rage killed 25 of his comrades...making it a round figure of 200...and he badly wanted to avenge pamela's death....he got "PAMELA WAS MURDERED" tattooed on Tuka's family pack ab, so that whenever he saw that he got reminded of the revenge, poor tuka he had to be without shirt for the rest of this legend..when Ram was seriously thinking of how to end their wretchednesses caused by the Darkseekers...the Jalsa Rakshashi was planning to end the human race...mean while Tuka has got hold of an Army tank full of arms and ammunations..finally, the Judgement Day came where the man-kind had to face their destiny....the fearless bold 200 fighters took over a zillion darkseekers...the liutenant and the captain equipped with sniper rifle and in a ghillie suit set out for the Jalsa Rakhshasi...they sneaked into the "castle of the Doom" where Jalsa Rakshashi was playing Counter Strike with his cousin...the two then got into a comfortable position,but then Ram realized he had only one bullet in his rifle and he tried to take down the Jalsa Rakshasi and its cousin in one shot...but by its sheer sense of senses the Jalsa Rakshashi escaped the shot...and its cousin was dead...this infuriated the Jalsa Rakshashi...the next second there was a hand to hand combat between the three...the legend is cencored here because of the mass violence involved..finally the jalsa Rakshashi was killed and the castle of doom collapsed... the heroes never returned... The unsung heroes Lieutenant Ram and Captain Tuka saved the human kind..and were awarded Param-Vir chakra and Ashok Chakra respectively...the Darkseekers were made the slaves of the mankind...and slowly the human race started to build...on the shoulders of absolute sacrifice of the two legends ..... i sign off by saying truely THEY ARE LEGENDS..(true story)
Jalsa Rakshashi(1979-2012)
courtesy :Future's History Channel
lieutenant colonel P.S.S.Ram(left) and captain Tuka(right) the remaining 288 civilians formed an army under the liutenant and the captain...they call themselves the 300(all the 288 people which had the likes of sylvester stallone,arnold scwaznegger and pamela anderson )... ,the army had to fight for their survival with the Darkseekers with forks and spoons as they never had any advanced equipment,starvation was never a problem...thanks to KFC's and Mc.Donalds who accepted SBI debit cards and also sudexo meal passes.. . one day when the 300 were coming back from one of the Las Vegas casino after clebrating a birthday of one of them... a small group of 14,000 darkseekers attack them...the brave 300 under the leadership of superbrave,audacious,dauntless Ram and little less brave Tuka fought them and beat the shit out of them..after the aftermath of the rumble the 300 become 225...and were victorious....But then Ram suddenly realized Pamela anderson was killed...and had gone nuts...in that rage killed 25 of his comrades...making it a round figure of 200...and he badly wanted to avenge pamela's death....he got "PAMELA WAS MURDERED" tattooed on Tuka's family pack ab, so that whenever he saw that he got reminded of the revenge, poor tuka he had to be without shirt for the rest of this legend..when Ram was seriously thinking of how to end their wretchednesses caused by the Darkseekers...the Jalsa Rakshashi was planning to end the human race...mean while Tuka has got hold of an Army tank full of arms and ammunations..finally, the Judgement Day came where the man-kind had to face their destiny....the fearless bold 200 fighters took over a zillion darkseekers...the liutenant and the captain equipped with sniper rifle and in a ghillie suit set out for the Jalsa Rakhshasi...they sneaked into the "castle of the Doom" where Jalsa Rakshashi was playing Counter Strike with his cousin...the two then got into a comfortable position,but then Ram realized he had only one bullet in his rifle and he tried to take down the Jalsa Rakshasi and its cousin in one shot...but by its sheer sense of senses the Jalsa Rakshashi escaped the shot...and its cousin was dead...this infuriated the Jalsa Rakshashi...the next second there was a hand to hand combat between the three...the legend is cencored here because of the mass violence involved..finally the jalsa Rakshashi was killed and the castle of doom collapsed... the heroes never returned... The unsung heroes Lieutenant Ram and Captain Tuka saved the human kind..and were awarded Param-Vir chakra and Ashok Chakra respectively...the Darkseekers were made the slaves of the mankind...and slowly the human race started to build...on the shoulders of absolute sacrifice of the two legends ..... i sign off by saying truely THEY ARE LEGENDS..(true story)
Jalsa Rakshashi(1979-2012)courtesy :Future's History Channel
Thursday, February 5, 2009
guy's love Vs timelines
generally a guy loves any thing the most .. only the initial day....and then as time progresses love for the thing changes....here i've taken two typical examples of a bike and a wife
a guy's love for bike Vs. time line
the guy loves his bike the most the first day he gets it...well he would also feel like sleeping with it beside him in the bed (true story)...but in due course his love for the bike goes down...and new launch of more awesome bikes worsen it further...and when he gets a new gf he starts to take good care f d bike coz dts wat wud be his identity...and i dont think i need to explain the curve any further
a guy's love for wife Vs. time line
the guy loves his wife the most the first day he gets her...(well he would also feel like ... ahh let me leave this line..) ...but in due course his love for his wife goes down...and his single friends flirting freely with other girls doesnt help either...and when he gets a new gf he starts to ignore his wife...and then ...u c...... (u figure the rest urself...)
a guy's love for bike Vs. time line
the guy loves his bike the most the first day he gets it...well he would also feel like sleeping with it beside him in the bed (true story)...but in due course his love for the bike goes down...and new launch of more awesome bikes worsen it further...and when he gets a new gf he starts to take good care f d bike coz dts wat wud be his identity...and i dont think i need to explain the curve any further
a guy's love for wife Vs. time line
the guy loves his wife the most the first day he gets her...(well he would also feel like ... ahh let me leave this line..) ...but in due course his love for his wife goes down...and his single friends flirting freely with other girls doesnt help either...and when he gets a new gf he starts to ignore his wife...and then ...u c...... (u figure the rest urself...)
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
the red phenomenon...Vday..
the fast approaching valentines day, feb 14 has made me inquisitive about how my pals r going to spend the day...now dont ask me who is yourdate this year and stuff..!!We will eventually come to that point later =), i have just interviewed few of my friends how
and with whom would they spend their valentines day...and the summary is......
M.A.Mansoor
-dude i need a beautiful girl..and when i tell that i mean a girl not from our college...please help me..wait no no bullet for my valentine..ahh no no
i need to hit the gym..i cant compromise being a macho for a girl..
Ranbir kapoor
-i dunno may be a candle light dinner,loong drive with my lover deepika...
Sanjay bysani
-id order a pizza and like to finish friends season 4....its an AMAZING(this sounds like ammmmaaaaaazzziiing) show n you need to watch it man....ive watched it like
some fourhundred and seventy two times...this guy joey is really too good man...watch it you will kno..
Meher Anand k
-Dude i need to complete the system programming assignment and then prepare for placement interviews.. dream jobs,cat n stuff
Bipasha basu
-Are you free on 14th ram??..
-re : ahh sorry bips i dont think m free on 14th i have a meeting with Barack Obama to discuss about on growing terrorism in Chechenya..
sorry dear world peace issues to be sorted out first, cant help.
Russel peters
-Somebody is gonna get hurt real badly
-re : i know you brown baaaasket...you will be dumped by your girlfrend
Santosh N
-dude it wud be the same usual stuff...(i know why you made me write this )..
-re : Exactly!!!!, your such a looser....ur better with your volleyball =P
Sonam Kapoor(dilli 6 fame)
-thanks for accepting to come out on a date with me..love you ram..
-re : ahh thats okay...i had to postpone my meeting with obama, but then anyday you are more important than some stupid world issues darling
Rahul Ninoria
-ladki hai, bike hai,(ladki ke paas bhi bike hai).. long drive pe jayenge(apne apne bike mein :P)
Ram
-ahh i will be busy play CounterStrike that day..i need to kick some asses.. anyday counter strike better than a date with a girl :)
John Abraham
-i need some tips to make my girlfrend happy man...please help me out...
-re : sure dude, afterall your one of my best buddies...
******
-its fine if i get a date...or else ill wear orange tee and along with the orange group guys , thrash the couples we find...
-re : dude ur a perfect saddist...awesome...india needs people like u
and with whom would they spend their valentines day...and the summary is......
M.A.Mansoor
-dude i need a beautiful girl..and when i tell that i mean a girl not from our college...please help me..wait no no bullet for my valentine..ahh no no
i need to hit the gym..i cant compromise being a macho for a girl..
Ranbir kapoor
-i dunno may be a candle light dinner,loong drive with my lover deepika...
Sanjay bysani
-id order a pizza and like to finish friends season 4....its an AMAZING(this sounds like ammmmaaaaaazzziiing) show n you need to watch it man....ive watched it like
some fourhundred and seventy two times...this guy joey is really too good man...watch it you will kno..
Meher Anand k
-Dude i need to complete the system programming assignment and then prepare for placement interviews.. dream jobs,cat n stuff
Bipasha basu
-Are you free on 14th ram??..
-re : ahh sorry bips i dont think m free on 14th i have a meeting with Barack Obama to discuss about on growing terrorism in Chechenya..
sorry dear world peace issues to be sorted out first, cant help.
Russel peters
-Somebody is gonna get hurt real badly
-re : i know you brown baaaasket...you will be dumped by your girlfrend
Santosh N
-dude it wud be the same usual stuff...(i know why you made me write this )..
-re : Exactly!!!!, your such a looser....ur better with your volleyball =P
Sonam Kapoor(dilli 6 fame)
-thanks for accepting to come out on a date with me..love you ram..
-re : ahh thats okay...i had to postpone my meeting with obama, but then anyday you are more important than some stupid world issues darling
Rahul Ninoria
-ladki hai, bike hai,(ladki ke paas bhi bike hai).. long drive pe jayenge(apne apne bike mein :P)
Ram
-ahh i will be busy play CounterStrike that day..i need to kick some asses.. anyday counter strike better than a date with a girl :)
John Abraham
-i need some tips to make my girlfrend happy man...please help me out...
-re : sure dude, afterall your one of my best buddies...
******
-its fine if i get a date...or else ill wear orange tee and along with the orange group guys , thrash the couples we find...
-re : dude ur a perfect saddist...awesome...india needs people like u
exaggeration!!
I am no exaggerator…but last night while having dinner I got a call from the Indian Prime minister DR Manmohan Singh. He said I was being awarded the ‘Exaggerator of the year award’. Since I don’t like to be disturbed during dinner, I informed him that I would call him at the next available opportunity and kept the phone down.
After dinner, my curiosity got the better of me and I did a Google search. Seems ‘Exaggerator of the year award’ has been previously won by Y.S. Rajshekar Reddy, George Bush, Amar Singh, Ramalinga Raju, Bishen Singh Bedi, Uma Bharati and Krish Srikkanth among others.
On further research, I found that on 5th of January of each year, both the Rajya Sabha and Lok Sabha members in consultation with the Executive and Judiciary come up with a list of ten biggest exaggerators from various walks of life.
After a while, I stopped googling and looked for mannu’s number. The person you address as the Prime minister of India is a pal of mine and I address him as Mannu. I had his number stored in my mobile...and thus gave him a missed call. I generally do that because for him outgoing is free…and he always says all calls he makes go into Gandhi’s account. Within a few seconds he gave me a call…and we spoke for about 21 minutes.
Why 21 minutes? I was only trying to convince him that I didn’t want the award…but he won’t listen one bit.
As of now I have agreed to be at the presentation ceremony scheduled at the Indira Gandhi Maidan in New Delhi. Heads of State from 189 countries have agreed to grace the occasion – the biggest gathering since Diana’s death in a car crash. It is being telecast live on CNN,NDTV, BBC,Aaj Tak, Doordarshan…and on TV9 because somebody from Andhra Pradesh is winning the award after a long time.
To congratulate me on winning the award mail me - sairampulaparthi@gmail.com
After dinner, my curiosity got the better of me and I did a Google search. Seems ‘Exaggerator of the year award’ has been previously won by Y.S. Rajshekar Reddy, George Bush, Amar Singh, Ramalinga Raju, Bishen Singh Bedi, Uma Bharati and Krish Srikkanth among others.
On further research, I found that on 5th of January of each year, both the Rajya Sabha and Lok Sabha members in consultation with the Executive and Judiciary come up with a list of ten biggest exaggerators from various walks of life.
After a while, I stopped googling and looked for mannu’s number. The person you address as the Prime minister of India is a pal of mine and I address him as Mannu. I had his number stored in my mobile...and thus gave him a missed call. I generally do that because for him outgoing is free…and he always says all calls he makes go into Gandhi’s account. Within a few seconds he gave me a call…and we spoke for about 21 minutes.
Why 21 minutes? I was only trying to convince him that I didn’t want the award…but he won’t listen one bit.
As of now I have agreed to be at the presentation ceremony scheduled at the Indira Gandhi Maidan in New Delhi. Heads of State from 189 countries have agreed to grace the occasion – the biggest gathering since Diana’s death in a car crash. It is being telecast live on CNN,NDTV, BBC,Aaj Tak, Doordarshan…and on TV9 because somebody from Andhra Pradesh is winning the award after a long time.
To congratulate me on winning the award mail me - sairampulaparthi@gmail.com
mobiles going hitech
I have a Nokia 6600. A very very very basic model when compared to the hi-tech mobiles that I see in the hands of hi-tech people. I am not aware of the features that the latest of mobiles come with, but I think the phone companies should seriously think of incorporating the below given suggestions if they have to stay ahead in the competition.
Spot The Number
I should be able to point the mobile at any pretty girl and press a single button, and get her phone number stored. This could be risky if girls start carrying their father's mobiles, but considering the benefit the features offers, it is worth the risk.
Voice Sexizer
This feature will turn my moronic voice into like that of Stallone's.
Pronunciation Enhancer
This feature will roll my tongue for me and help me pronounce all the difficult words like - excited, love, america, pretty...blah blah
Commitment Negater
This feature will ensure the disabling of my mobile the moment she talks of meeting parents, eloping, engagement or marriage. It will work on a key-word system, that I could feed into my mobile.
The most important feature will be called Blow Yourself Up You Sucker. This would be one red button that will help me blow myself up, if I still fail to get the pretty one!
Traveling in an auto-rickshaw
Ever traveled in an auto-rickshaw? If your answer is a big ‘No,’ chances are you have not indulged in various other adventures too - like bungee jumping, demolition derby (a sport where you smash each other’s cars till the last car is in running condition), shark hunting and meteor chasing.
You sure like to be in your comfort zone. Don’t you? Unlike your majesty, I am quite an adventurer. Perhaps, I get it from Christopher Columbus, the greatest adventurer of them all. He was the first man to discover U.S, way back in 16th century.
You probably wonder, how Columbus and I are related. That is our family secret…..and anyways it happened way back in 16th century .,when a portugese traveler was learning seamanship under him and then his descendant was vascodagama. Over the years, my family has forgotten the details...but we know for sure that we are adventurers. We travel in auto-rickshaws.
My last trip was from the Nagpur railway station to VNIT (my college). It was quite an eventful journey.
Before the bargaining began I had to convince the auto driver that I have been in Nagpur for the last 3 years and know how it works. Once he was convinced, the actual bargaining began. Eventually, he would agree for Rs 90.
If I thought bargaining was the difficult part…I was in for a surprise.( For those who have never seen an auto-rickshaw before, it is a three-wheeler. It can accelerate like a Ferrari and swerve like a fighter-plane. )
The vehicle is designed with one driver and two passengers in mind. But more often than not, it is three passengers. The passenger sitting in the center is safe, unless the auto topples over. But the passengers sitting on the sides can get thrown out of the vehicle, whenever the auto driver wants.
Am glad, the payment is always made at the end of the journey. Else, all the driver had to do was take a right/left turn… sharp enough for me to fall off the auto, and look for another dumb-F&^%.
Mine was quite a sound auto. It would have put a Lamborghini to shame. The smoke emitted by a textile mill (which we passed on the way) paled in comparison to my auto’s emission potential. As an icing on the cake, the vehicle parts shook suggesting they could fall off any moment.
Not everything about the Auto was scary. The driver had pictures of Mecca, Lord Rama and Jesus Christ. He was quite a religious fellow. There was one issue though...he had pasted the pictures on his wind screen and I wondered how he would see the road. Perhaps he was not able to see the road, or maybe it was his faith in God…but he was very reckless. Either ways, I was holding on strongly. For the uninitiated, autos don’t have any doors and if you are looking for an honorable exit…..no Sir….you are going to be disappointed.
There was consolation in the dry lemon and three red chilies that were hanging from his ‘interior’ rearview mirror. I remember my mother telling me that if a lemon was hung from any vehicle, the chances of an accident were drastically reduced. Thanks to the lemon, my journey was safe.
I intend to deviate from my family tradition of being adventurous and plan to hire a Taxi next time.
You sure like to be in your comfort zone. Don’t you? Unlike your majesty, I am quite an adventurer. Perhaps, I get it from Christopher Columbus, the greatest adventurer of them all. He was the first man to discover U.S, way back in 16th century.
You probably wonder, how Columbus and I are related. That is our family secret…..and anyways it happened way back in 16th century .,when a portugese traveler was learning seamanship under him and then his descendant was vascodagama. Over the years, my family has forgotten the details...but we know for sure that we are adventurers. We travel in auto-rickshaws.
My last trip was from the Nagpur railway station to VNIT (my college). It was quite an eventful journey.
Before the bargaining began I had to convince the auto driver that I have been in Nagpur for the last 3 years and know how it works. Once he was convinced, the actual bargaining began. Eventually, he would agree for Rs 90.
If I thought bargaining was the difficult part…I was in for a surprise.( For those who have never seen an auto-rickshaw before, it is a three-wheeler. It can accelerate like a Ferrari and swerve like a fighter-plane. )
The vehicle is designed with one driver and two passengers in mind. But more often than not, it is three passengers. The passenger sitting in the center is safe, unless the auto topples over. But the passengers sitting on the sides can get thrown out of the vehicle, whenever the auto driver wants.
Am glad, the payment is always made at the end of the journey. Else, all the driver had to do was take a right/left turn… sharp enough for me to fall off the auto, and look for another dumb-F&^%.
Mine was quite a sound auto. It would have put a Lamborghini to shame. The smoke emitted by a textile mill (which we passed on the way) paled in comparison to my auto’s emission potential. As an icing on the cake, the vehicle parts shook suggesting they could fall off any moment.
Not everything about the Auto was scary. The driver had pictures of Mecca, Lord Rama and Jesus Christ. He was quite a religious fellow. There was one issue though...he had pasted the pictures on his wind screen and I wondered how he would see the road. Perhaps he was not able to see the road, or maybe it was his faith in God…but he was very reckless. Either ways, I was holding on strongly. For the uninitiated, autos don’t have any doors and if you are looking for an honorable exit…..no Sir….you are going to be disappointed.
There was consolation in the dry lemon and three red chilies that were hanging from his ‘interior’ rearview mirror. I remember my mother telling me that if a lemon was hung from any vehicle, the chances of an accident were drastically reduced. Thanks to the lemon, my journey was safe.
I intend to deviate from my family tradition of being adventurous and plan to hire a Taxi next time.
Something's wrong with the World
Don't know if you have read this before...but it is awesome stuff. Came as a forward from a friend.
A Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
The reason: In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant, In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!!
A Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
The reason: In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant, In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant, And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!!
Monday, February 2, 2009
are all girl friends like this!!!!!
Here is a phone conversation I had recently with my then girl friend....and thank god her balance got over or else you people would have had two more pages to read..
My girlfriend: Hi!
Me: Hey!
My girlfriend: I see a bit of sarcasm in your tone.
Me: Sarcasm? Why would I be sarcastic?
My girlfriend: How would I know? Ask yourself.
Me: But bujji tell me, how can a “Hey” be sarcastic?
My girlfriend: You wouldn’t understand. Forget it.
Me: Aree…if you didn’t want me to think about it, why even mention it? Answer my question – how can a “Hey” be sarcastic?
My girlfriend: I donno. I no longer feel the same warmth in your tone.
Me: Is it because of the cold I have?
My girlfriend: See, you are being sarcastic again.
Me: Yes, this time….I agree.
My girlfriend: If you can agree now…why didn’t you agree earlier?
Me: I am not being sarcastic ra bujji. Tell me what makes you think something is wrong.
My girlfriend: I don’t know. My heart says so.
Me: Your heart? I didn’t know hearts could speak!
My girlfriend: See…you are being sarcastic again!
Me: Yes, this time also….I agree.
My girlfriend: I feel things aren’t the same with us anymore.
Me: What makes you feel so?
My girlfriend: Your tone.
Me: Do you think gargling would help? It is this darn cold.
My girlfriend: I can see the sarcasm flowing again.
Me: Yes, this time also….I agree.
My girlfriend: You never used to raise your voice with me.
Me: No I didn’t! I didn’t raise my voice at all!
My girlfriend: Now you are. Why are you shouting?
Me: If you get unreasonable, what do I do?
My girlfriend: See….I told you…you aren’t the same anymore.
Me: Ohh God. What makes you think so?
My girlfriend: Don’t raise your voice, I said.
Me: No sweetheart. I am not raising my voice.
My girlfriend: You don’t have to say that so loudly. I am NOT deaf.
Me: I know you are not deaf of ears….
My girlfriend: See…sarcasm again.
Me: Ohh my God. Tell me what I have to do to make you happy!
My girlfriend: Just be yourself.
Me: Ohh come on now bujji, I am being myself.
My girlfriend: No, this isn’t the man I loved.
Me: I am just myself. How can a man who lives for 70 years change drastically in 1 year?
My girlfriend: You never used to argue with me earlier.
Me: I am not arguing with u da!
My girlfriend: Don’t shout!
Me: I am not shouting!
My girlfriend: I think you want to dump me.
Me: No I don’t. Why would I? This started as a casual conversation and here we are talking of dumping?
My girlfriend: Yes. That’s what you want to do…and I can feel that.
Me: What makes you feel that da ?
My girlfriend: I donno….I just know.
Me: How can you know ….when you donno…??
My girlfriend: I donno…
Me: Ok fine. So what should we do? You suggest.
My girlfriend: Take a one-week break, maybe?
Me: I am fine with the idea, if that’s what you want.
My girlfriend: I don’t want that. I am just doing it for you.
Me: What??!!
My girlfriend: Yes. Let us take a break, if that’s what you want.
Me: Ok fine.
My girlfriend: Now you being sarcastic…
Me: How can “Ok fine” be sarcastic?
My girlfriend: I donno…
Me: I donno too da....
My girlfriend: See…you are being sarcastic about my feelings now.
Me: .......silence....(id rather kill myself than being on otherside of your fone right now..)..
My girlfriend:what happened why are you silent..??...beep beep beep...phone got cut..
finally that one week break has become a life timer .... and now since m single again m back to being my own self ...
*Men out there, beware of women. They are complex. Worse than the Algebra that you dreaded in school.
i am my favourite..
The first time somebody had told me that I had a big ego, i was all nuts. To take my mind off myself, I took to blogging…but now I am more in love with myself.
My love for myself is so high that if I had been born before Copernicus, I would have suggested a Ram-centric model of the Universe. In case, you didn’t get the point you probably need to know that Copernicus suggested a Helio-centric-model of the universe, where everything revolved around the Sun.
Maybe my childhood was deprived. Maybe, I suffer from a major sense of inferiority and that’s why I always have to be the center of attraction.
While attending a marriage, I want to be the bridegroom (once, I did manage to dislodge the bridegroom and snap a picture with his wife!). When I am in the church attending a baby’s baptism, I so much want to be the baby. I didn’t think this ‘disease’ was much to worry about till I attended a funeral – I wanted to be the corpse. It is another thing that people had surrounded the corpse, and didn’t give me any chance to creep under the white bed-sheet.
Believe me or not…but when I am alone…I crack a joke, laugh at it and then pat on my back myself. Sometimes, I do sprain my right arm while patting my back, appreciating my sheer awesomeness..
i guess i need to start loving myself a bit lesser..., ahh but who cares i am fine with it.. ;)
9.2 Seconds – That’s All You’ve Got To Make A First Impression
Everyday, I get thousands of electronic mails asking how to pick up girls. The truth of the matter - however unnatural and fundamentally opposed to everything you've ever learned about the Girls – is that a girl actually picks you. Worse yet, girls are highly superficial: a girl will judge a man on his appearance alone, regardless of how hot she looks And just how long after first sight does it take for a girl to decide if she’d go out with a guy? Try 9.2 seconds*. That's 1.7 seconds faster than your typical rocket launch. Astonishing.
Without the nerve wrecking wits, God-given physique, or the fashion literacy that allow me to frame a woman upon first glance, most guys don’t stand a chance against the clock. Fortunately for you, I like to fling some of my awesomeness on people who are deprived of it. Therefore, I’ve started a list of a few easy-to-follow costume list that allows virtually any man to make a first impression strong enough to defeat a woman’s 9.2 second barrier
THE MACHO
-If you have got sixpack abs(six is necessity, eight is a luxury) and have the flair and flamboyance to carry it on, dude its time to rip your shirt off, go the khan's way and show the chicks some tough guy.
A GEEK
Throw on a T-shirt two sizes too big for you, grab a college bag and an issue of Advanced quantum mechanics, and when you walk into a coffee shop EVERY woman will want to be
* the bad boy syndrome is a psychological issue of a female,which attracts her to a really bad guy.
Without the nerve wrecking wits, God-given physique, or the fashion literacy that allow me to frame a woman upon first glance, most guys don’t stand a chance against the clock. Fortunately for you, I like to fling some of my awesomeness on people who are deprived of it. Therefore, I’ve started a list of a few easy-to-follow costume list that allows virtually any man to make a first impression strong enough to defeat a woman’s 9.2 second barrier
FIRST IMPRESSION COSTUMES
MERCENARY
– Walk into a coffee shop(filled with chicks) wearing a gun, a knife, and/or a grenade (toys preferred) and a woman’s first thought will be, “Now here’s a man who can protect me,” followed quickly with her second thought, “I’d like to engage in a relation with this heavily armed man.”ROCK AND ROLL DRUMMER
– Carry a pair of drumsticks and wear a denim jacket with a patch of your favorite band. Nobody knows what the drummer looks like. NOTE: Avoid the "PANSY DIVISION"(gay band) patch unless you plan on picking up a guy.THE MACHO
-If you have got sixpack abs(six is necessity, eight is a luxury) and have the flair and flamboyance to carry it on, dude its time to rip your shirt off, go the khan's way and show the chicks some tough guy.L. L. COOL J
– Ladies love Cool James.ARTIST
– Toss a beret on your head and carry around a paintbrush and suddenly you’re the sensitive guy – which gives a woman the immense pleasure of believing she might actually make you cry.A GEEK
ESCAPED CONVICT
– Leg irons,handcuffs, and a black and white striped jailsuit. "Women love jewelry, a pin-striped suit, and danger".According to the theory of bad boy syndrome*. Combine all three and you’ll make her dance to your tunes.* the bad boy syndrome is a psychological issue of a female,which attracts her to a really bad guy.
The chronicles of fist bumps..
The fist bump (also called a knuckleslap,knudge, fist pound, fist kiss, knuckle bump, knuckles, pound it, respect knuckles, respect, knuckle knock, bones, the rock, dap, spud, giving props, knucks, popper etc. ) is a type of a gesture resembling the handshake, highfive or a noserub. A bump also can be known as a symbol of giving of respect.
While the fist bump has gained much notoriety in the past few years, its origins date back to the dawn of human-kind. But one thing has withstood the test of time - don't ever put your fist down until it's been most properly bumped.
the timeline of fist bumps
Dinosaurs fist bump with a metorite from outer space
god fist bumps adam
Chinese build the great wall to prevent the Mongolians from fist bumping them into oblivion
Leonardo-da-vinci fist bumps monalisa.
Shahjahan fist bumps all the workers, who constructed Tajmahal..what happened later is classified
Benjamin franklin fist bumps electricity.
Americans fist bump(bomb) the japanese cities Heroshima and Nagasaki ,with little boy and fat man.
Indians fist bumps the british back to their country, gandhiji fist bumps rest of india
Neil armstrong and lili aldrin fist bump on the moon., first ever fist bump in space.
Rocky vs. Drago fist bump before their fight in Rocky IV .
Barack Obama fist bumps his wife, Michelle.
The first ever alien/Homo sapien fist bump .
While the fist bump has gained much notoriety in the past few years, its origins date back to the dawn of human-kind. But one thing has withstood the test of time - don't ever put your fist down until it's been most properly bumped.
the timeline of fist bumps
Dinosaurs fist bump with a metorite from outer space
god fist bumps adam
Chinese build the great wall to prevent the Mongolians from fist bumping them into oblivion
Leonardo-da-vinci fist bumps monalisa.
Shahjahan fist bumps all the workers, who constructed Tajmahal..what happened later is classified
Benjamin franklin fist bumps electricity.
Americans fist bump(bomb) the japanese cities Heroshima and Nagasaki ,with little boy and fat man.
Indians fist bumps the british back to their country, gandhiji fist bumps rest of india
Neil armstrong and lili aldrin fist bump on the moon., first ever fist bump in space.
Rocky vs. Drago fist bump before their fight in Rocky IV .
Barack Obama fist bumps his wife, Michelle.
The first ever alien/Homo sapien fist bump .
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