Like Moses, the Dalai Lama, and Dr. Phil, I am often asked to impart my wisdom and advice on those who cannot or will not help themselves. Even though I can't improve myself -- hard to top awesome -- I can help others improve.
Dear ram ,
My girlfriend has been nagging me to express my feelings more but she always does that at inconvenient times like when I'm watching extra time of a soccer match or reading about up-coming video games. I'd love to tell her something so she'll stop nagging me, but I have no idea how to go about "sharing" my emotions,hope you can help me.
Sincereley,
john abraham
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Dude John,
There are only three appropriate venues for expressing one's emotions. I call them the 3 D's: Dinner, During shopping, Deathbed.
DINNER: Your girlfriend wants you to express your feelings? Fine. Cover her hand with your own, look deep into her eyes, and tell her in a soft voice how you regret not ordering an appetizer. This action is international girl-speak for "I am revealing the secret depths of my soul," so it doesn't have to be about appetizers -- any honest feeling you have about the quality of food or service will have her eating out of your hand.
DURING SHOPPING: Only one benefit of shopping is that there's so much activity in your girl friend's brain(she having a brain is highly unlikely), coordination and inner voice, you can get away with saying almost anything*. Thus, shopping is the ideal time to honestly express doubts about your employability, flirting addiction, or even your long-term relationship potential.
DEATHBED: Since it's really tough to be mad at someone who is about to die, your deathbed is an excellent time to really go bananas with your feelings. Insecurities, infidelities, incisions...anything you've kept hidden over the years can be freely discussed with little fear of retribution. As an added bonus, some girls enjoy a sensitive side and become easily confused when faced with the grim certitude of death...play your cards right and you might be able to make a new girlfrend or two in that deathbed before the buzzer goes off. (NOTE: For all the above reasons, feigning your own terminal illness and deathbed scenario can be a cathartic experience).
*Note: avoid at all costs mentioning how hot her sister looks.
**Unless said sister is your girl friend. In that case, feel free to exaggerate a bit.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
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