Online Tourist queries

Q: Does it ever get windy in India ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Delhi to Goa - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand kms, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in India ? ( Sweden )

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in India ? Can you send me a list of them in Delhi , Chennai, Calcutta and Bangalore ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in India ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . In-di-a is that big triangle in the middle of the Pacific & Indian Ocean which does not.. oh forget it. …… Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Goa . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in India ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into India ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Indiana Pacers matches schedule? ( France )

A: Indiana is a state in the Unites States of…oh forget it. Sure, the Indiana Pacers matches are played every Tuesday night in Goa , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in India ? ( UK )

A: You’re a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Bangalore , and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in India who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Indian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Do you have perfume in India ? ( France )

A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in India ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in India ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

Q: Can I see Taj Mahal anytime? ( Italy )

A: As long as you are not blind, you can see it anytime.

Q: Do you have Toilet paper? ( USA )

A: No, we use sand paper. (we have different grades)

Know your customer =))

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters

First poster- Aman lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster - man is drinking our Cola.

Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place

“That should have worked,” said the friend.

The salesman replied “I also didn’t realize that Arabs go from right to left”

Chicken soup for Vampire soul

Anybody who knows me fairly well would tell you that I am not a book reading person. Yet I subjected myself to the phenomenal pre-teen hit book Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. Why I did such unthinkable injustice to myself, in spite of being forewarned by numerous victims, is beyond the scope of this post.

To summarize the storyline, Edward is an Adonis-lookalike vampire who distanced himself from standard-issue vampires and went on one of those low-carb, non-human diets. He mingles with humans, pretending to be human, and attends high-school. In lunch and other recess times, he practices being awesome. Along comes the classic dumb heroine, Bella, who is beautiful but doesn’t know it, has everything but brains. To Edward she smells like irresistible food and makes his life miserable. So our 100-year-old vampire eventually falls in love with 17-year-old Bella. Talk about age gap. In case I haven’t mentioned it, the author reminds you every two pages that Edward is an awesome personification of awesomeness. Rest of the story is the standard formula. Add forbidden love, a pinch of angst and a villain and shake it. Out pours a saccharine love story.

As you can see, the story is just laughable. I kept imagining somebody falling in love with their food. To give you a better picture, here is how the story will look like if told by Edward, a human being, who falls in love with his food.

FOR THE LOVE OF FOOD ( EDWARDS P.O.V )

I am Edward. I am a human being. I used to eat chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner and when I got hungry in the middle of the night. But I became a vegetarian. I vowed not to eat chicken any more. In fact, I go to school with a flock of chicken and pretend to be a chicken myself.

One day, this extraordinary chicken waltzed into my class! It smelled just like Butter Chicken Masala. I was overcome with hunger. It started looking like a barbecued chicken, so enticing, so inviting. But at the same time, I was terribly attracted to it too! I had all these feelings I couldn’t understand. Let’s just say, chicken breast started meaning more than just a sandwich to me. I was confused. Testosterone and hunger fought for control over my body. I wanted to kiss its delicate wing, make sandwich out of it, cuddle it and whisper Chicken-65 recipe softly into its ear.

The chicken had uncontrollable attraction for me too. What can I say, chicks dig me. I tried to persuade her to leave me. I confessed my hunger for her. I explained to her the various senses of the sentence, “I want to poke hot iron into you and roast u on a barbeque.” She wouldn’t relent. She had dreams of marrying me and laying my eggs.

When the love story between us was cooking, another human laid his eyes on my chicken. He wanted it for a dinner date, where the date becomes dinner. I protected my feathered friend and made it mine.

I implored it to leave town, find greener pastures; I didn’t want to clip its wings. But it decided to abandon all its family for a human it knew for about 2 months and stay with me. Now I know why they call it chicken brain. We were a happy couple. Rest of the story is for birds.

the three buttons

Vajpayee and Musharraf meet up in Islamabad for talks on nuclear arms. When Vajpayee sits down he notices Musharraf 's chair has three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Vajpayee chair and bashes him on his face.
Vajpayee, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Musharraf presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the butt. Vajpayee is kicked off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Vajpayee. The Indian PM is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "'We'll continue this talk next week in the New Delhi" says the Prime Minister. Musharraf, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.
A week later Vajpayee receives Musharraf in the Prime Minister's Office, and as Musharraf sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Vajpayees chair. As the meeting goes on, Musharraf sees Vajpayee press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop Vajpayee from laughing... really loudly. After this, Indian PM continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Musharraf reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Vajpayee falls out of his chair laughing. Musharraf doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Indian PM presses the final button. This time, Musharraf stays sitting, but Vajpayee isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Musharraf is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Pakistan " Vajpayee: (Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "PAKISTAN?? ..... What PAKISTAN??? DO YOU THINK STILL IT IS THERE??"

EPIC FAIL LOGOS :D :D >:D

i was very much alive when god scored 200* in cricket ...

this post should have come from me a while ago.. but then DOTA and CS kept me busy !! the time line of this post dates back to February 24, 2010 and between 2.30 pm to 9.00 pm .. the time frame mentioned here was literally adrenaline pumping,hair raising,jaw dropping and showcase of sheer audacity and class :D ,,, yes am trying to put some light on the "Sir Sachin "GOD" Tendulkar phenomenon" :D :D ..

that day i can still recall ., woke up at 1.00 pm (the late night gaming after effects) brushed teeth and went to the mess to hog some booring mess food .. and then in the mess some one reminds me that there is a one day (day night) match at gwalior..I am a die hard admirer of cricket but then the regular "thrash the ball give the stick to bowlers" game has made me drop to the levels of check the score card on net rather glue my ass to a chair in front of idiot box .. but then that day since i had no other job to do .. i decided fine let me watch sachin and sehwag when i heard india won the toss and chose to bat .. sadly sehwag got out cheaply .. but then sachin was always there .. so my head was clear of not moving an inch .. the master was in a flow .. the square cuts , the backfoot punches , the sexy flicks on the onside .. it was sheer class .. smoothly the 100 came ., in a quick time he reached to 150* that's when the Tv room was crowded ... and thoughts of 200 sprinted in the heads (of all the zillion people watching the innings) .. i was confident he would do it ..

slowly wickets were tumbling and runs were flowing ... but let me put the cricket thing aside "the overs from 45 - 50 " were a brain storm .. i think i was never tensed that much even when i proposed a girl of was writing my Aieee / CAT ... every one were cheering every single as the record looked evident .. everyone were standing on the chairs by the time sachin was on 190* ... and every single he took was cheered wildly .. the last moments were really nervous ... i never in my life would have sweared at some one as much as i did at dhoni ... taking the strike after every over .. for me the hero of the day was Hashim amla who saved a boundary of dhoni and let sachin take the strike at 199* and rest is GLORY and HISTORY .. 3 chairs were broken ... fists were bumped .. high fives were exchanged everywhere in the TV room ...it was as if we all scored the 200* such was the involvement ..." HAIL the master " ...and it took a whole 8 hours for me to absorb the feat :D ... SACHIN IS GOD ,, and CRICKET MY RELIGION :D :)

____ :) i love ...

• the way you laugh - like a child...wide grin, head cocked to one side.
• the way you twist your nose and sniff midway in your endless chatter
• the way you can go on and on and on about books,academics,arts,tv soaps,Hrithik, and housing plans.. (how very interesting!..)
• the small mark on your right cheek
• the way you always hold my hand while crossing the road
• the way your face slopes into a cleft chin.....
• that you are as crazy about movies as I am
• that if I forget to give the old lady at the street-corner a coin, you will.
• the way you frown angrily when I put my head/hands out of a running cab to wave
• the way you are conscious of your nose (it's NOT big!)
• the way you smile at me
• the way you hit me on my head when the bike speed goes up
  
• the way you dance (so awkward, so very cute)
• the way you take me to the temple on my birthday
• the way you make up excuses for your excessive shopping when you start feeling guilty, e.g., 'It's OK. This is the first shopping spree this month...' or 'It's OK. We'll not eat anything for the rest of the month...' :)
• the way you love me.....

Honest man

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"


The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up withANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE,You would have come up withCAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes toANGELINA JOLIE."

The moral of this story is : Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and men're sticking to it! -
"MEN ARE HONOURABLE!!!!!!"

As i mature

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.,
all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in

I've learned that no matter how much i care
some people are just assholes

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,and it
only takes suspicion not proof to destroy it.

Ive learned that you can get by on charm for about a day or so.
After that youd better have a fat thick wallet.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others..,
they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless how hot and steamy a relationship is
at first.., the passion fades away

I've learned that people you care most about in life are the ones
who give you the least importance

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isnt working..that
thing is the most ought one.

I've learned that whenever ur playing CS people remember u the most
and feel like talking to u.

I've learned that no matter how non-alcoholic you may be..,people dont
believe you considering the fact ur a hosteller.

I've learned that no matter how much u love someone.., the other person
always likes some one else.

IM jesus :D :D

kids of future :D :D ( id bet that bully wud be my kid )

viewer discretion advised *

the bottles !!

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house,

was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife,
lost his children and lost his job. He notices a crate of beer bottles
and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall
swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You
are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the
reason I lost my job".



He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes
the bottle, puts it aside and says



"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

YOUR DNA. aweome ... try it .. :)

Really liked this a lot… Quite a bit of it is true as well…

YOUR DNA.

This is so cool! When you link on, a series of about 12 pictures will come up –

Click on a photo in that category.

Just continue clicking on the pics that appeal to you after reading the category. At the end it will give you a profile of yourself.

http://DNA.imagini.net/friends/

You need not join the site..

My results:

how to be a famous blogger :) :)

stupid questions !!! ( courtesy : not me for sure :D :D )

1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet…
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.

3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask…
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the “Butter Paneer Masala” good??

Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you’ve become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask…
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you’re marrying good?

Answer:- No,he’s a miserable wife-beating ,isensitive lout…it’s just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call…
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping…. you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair…
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I’m shedding……

9. At the dentist when he’s sticking pointed objects in your mouth…
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks…
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-
Gosh, it’s a miracle …………it was a piece of chalk and now it’s in flames!!!

alcohol..effects and remedies :)

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.

Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).

Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.

Cause: You' re lying on the floor.

Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.

Cause: You ' re looking through an empty glass.

Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.

Cause: You ' re being dragged away.

Cure: At least ask where they ' re taking you.

5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.

Cause: You have your glass on your ear.

Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.

Cause: You ' re in an ambulance.

Cure: Don ' t move. Let the professionals do their job.

7. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers look strange.

Cause: You ' re in the wrong house.

Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

dont copy when u cant paste !! :D XD

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. Said he: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”

The audience was in silence and shock.

The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”

The wife went wan with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “… and I can’t remember who she was!”

Moral of the story:

Don’t copy if you can’t paste!!

Just some funny ways to propose her

May be this will help u a lot Just some funny ways to propose her……u may know few already but this can help ..……
(at your own risk!!!)
1. (Walk up behind girl and point fingers shaped like gun into her back)
“You’re under arrest!” (For what?) “For stealing my heart.”

2. Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?

3. Are your legs tired?
( girl: Why?)
because you have been running through my mind all day!

4. “I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?” (courtesy : santosh aka kumbhakaran )

5. Can you give me directions to your heart? I’ve seemed to have lost myself in your eyes

6. (Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt, jacket,
She would say,”What are doing” respond, “Oh, just checking to see if you were made in Heaven.”

7. (Pick up a flower and walk over to girl.)
“I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are.”

8. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

9. You can forget about going to heaven because it’s sin to look that good

10. I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

11. Did you know they changed the alphabet?
They put U and I together.

12. Are you lost?
’cause it’s so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

13. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

14. What’s that in your eye? Oh…it’s a sparkle.

15. Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

lemon laws on girls !!

1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she’ll always have a boyfriend
to confirm that

2. the nicer she is…the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!

3. The more the makeup, worse the looks…

4. “95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5%
would always be in your college.”……………..100% true

5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her
brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will
let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed..

7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she’ll want to be friends
with you.

8. Theory of relativity……

The more u run towards a hot chick….the more she goes away from u…

9. Rule 1:
Even if you got her out alone… just when you are about to let her know
about your feelings…she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh
ka Mela)

Corollary to rule 1:
The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private
chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a
handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

Axiom 1:
The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things
work out, but ultimately it will (somesmile for the guys)

10. the day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you
will be the day when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3.Have a bad hair day

11. the more seriously u like a girl…the more seriously her dad will hate u

12. the love you shower a girl with is directly proportional to he number of bullets her dad will be showering at you