Online Tourist queries

Q: Does it ever get windy in India ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Delhi to Goa - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand kms, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in India ? ( Sweden )

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in India ? Can you send me a list of them in Delhi , Chennai, Calcutta and Bangalore ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in India ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . In-di-a is that big triangle in the middle of the Pacific & Indian Ocean which does not.. oh forget it. …… Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Goa . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in India ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into India ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Indiana Pacers matches schedule? ( France )

A: Indiana is a state in the Unites States of…oh forget it. Sure, the Indiana Pacers matches are played every Tuesday night in Goa , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in India ? ( UK )

A: You’re a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Bangalore , and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in India who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Indian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Do you have perfume in India ? ( France )

A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in India ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in India ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

Q: Can I see Taj Mahal anytime? ( Italy )

A: As long as you are not blind, you can see it anytime.

Q: Do you have Toilet paper? ( USA )

A: No, we use sand paper. (we have different grades)

Know your customer =))

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters

First poster- Aman lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.

Second poster - man is drinking our Cola.

Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place

“That should have worked,” said the friend.

The salesman replied “I also didn’t realize that Arabs go from right to left”

Chicken soup for Vampire soul

Anybody who knows me fairly well would tell you that I am not a book reading person. Yet I subjected myself to the phenomenal pre-teen hit book Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. Why I did such unthinkable injustice to myself, in spite of being forewarned by numerous victims, is beyond the scope of this post.

To summarize the storyline, Edward is an Adonis-lookalike vampire who distanced himself from standard-issue vampires and went on one of those low-carb, non-human diets. He mingles with humans, pretending to be human, and attends high-school. In lunch and other recess times, he practices being awesome. Along comes the classic dumb heroine, Bella, who is beautiful but doesn’t know it, has everything but brains. To Edward she smells like irresistible food and makes his life miserable. So our 100-year-old vampire eventually falls in love with 17-year-old Bella. Talk about age gap. In case I haven’t mentioned it, the author reminds you every two pages that Edward is an awesome personification of awesomeness. Rest of the story is the standard formula. Add forbidden love, a pinch of angst and a villain and shake it. Out pours a saccharine love story.

As you can see, the story is just laughable. I kept imagining somebody falling in love with their food. To give you a better picture, here is how the story will look like if told by Edward, a human being, who falls in love with his food.

FOR THE LOVE OF FOOD ( EDWARDS P.O.V )

I am Edward. I am a human being. I used to eat chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner and when I got hungry in the middle of the night. But I became a vegetarian. I vowed not to eat chicken any more. In fact, I go to school with a flock of chicken and pretend to be a chicken myself.

One day, this extraordinary chicken waltzed into my class! It smelled just like Butter Chicken Masala. I was overcome with hunger. It started looking like a barbecued chicken, so enticing, so inviting. But at the same time, I was terribly attracted to it too! I had all these feelings I couldn’t understand. Let’s just say, chicken breast started meaning more than just a sandwich to me. I was confused. Testosterone and hunger fought for control over my body. I wanted to kiss its delicate wing, make sandwich out of it, cuddle it and whisper Chicken-65 recipe softly into its ear.

The chicken had uncontrollable attraction for me too. What can I say, chicks dig me. I tried to persuade her to leave me. I confessed my hunger for her. I explained to her the various senses of the sentence, “I want to poke hot iron into you and roast u on a barbeque.” She wouldn’t relent. She had dreams of marrying me and laying my eggs.

When the love story between us was cooking, another human laid his eyes on my chicken. He wanted it for a dinner date, where the date becomes dinner. I protected my feathered friend and made it mine.

I implored it to leave town, find greener pastures; I didn’t want to clip its wings. But it decided to abandon all its family for a human it knew for about 2 months and stay with me. Now I know why they call it chicken brain. We were a happy couple. Rest of the story is for birds.

the three buttons

Vajpayee and Musharraf meet up in Islamabad for talks on nuclear arms. When Vajpayee sits down he notices Musharraf 's chair has three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Vajpayee chair and bashes him on his face.
Vajpayee, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Musharraf presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the butt. Vajpayee is kicked off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Vajpayee. The Indian PM is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "'We'll continue this talk next week in the New Delhi" says the Prime Minister. Musharraf, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.
A week later Vajpayee receives Musharraf in the Prime Minister's Office, and as Musharraf sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Vajpayees chair. As the meeting goes on, Musharraf sees Vajpayee press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop Vajpayee from laughing... really loudly. After this, Indian PM continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Musharraf reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Vajpayee falls out of his chair laughing. Musharraf doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Indian PM presses the final button. This time, Musharraf stays sitting, but Vajpayee isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Musharraf is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Pakistan " Vajpayee: (Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "PAKISTAN?? ..... What PAKISTAN??? DO YOU THINK STILL IT IS THERE??"

EPIC FAIL LOGOS :D :D >:D

i was very much alive when god scored 200* in cricket ...

this post should have come from me a while ago.. but then DOTA and CS kept me busy !! the time line of this post dates back to February 24, 2010 and between 2.30 pm to 9.00 pm .. the time frame mentioned here was literally adrenaline pumping,hair raising,jaw dropping and showcase of sheer audacity and class :D ,,, yes am trying to put some light on the "Sir Sachin "GOD" Tendulkar phenomenon" :D :D ..

that day i can still recall ., woke up at 1.00 pm (the late night gaming after effects) brushed teeth and went to the mess to hog some booring mess food .. and then in the mess some one reminds me that there is a one day (day night) match at gwalior..I am a die hard admirer of cricket but then the regular "thrash the ball give the stick to bowlers" game has made me drop to the levels of check the score card on net rather glue my ass to a chair in front of idiot box .. but then that day since i had no other job to do .. i decided fine let me watch sachin and sehwag when i heard india won the toss and chose to bat .. sadly sehwag got out cheaply .. but then sachin was always there .. so my head was clear of not moving an inch .. the master was in a flow .. the square cuts , the backfoot punches , the sexy flicks on the onside .. it was sheer class .. smoothly the 100 came ., in a quick time he reached to 150* that's when the Tv room was crowded ... and thoughts of 200 sprinted in the heads (of all the zillion people watching the innings) .. i was confident he would do it ..

slowly wickets were tumbling and runs were flowing ... but let me put the cricket thing aside "the overs from 45 - 50 " were a brain storm .. i think i was never tensed that much even when i proposed a girl of was writing my Aieee / CAT ... every one were cheering every single as the record looked evident .. everyone were standing on the chairs by the time sachin was on 190* ... and every single he took was cheered wildly .. the last moments were really nervous ... i never in my life would have sweared at some one as much as i did at dhoni ... taking the strike after every over .. for me the hero of the day was Hashim amla who saved a boundary of dhoni and let sachin take the strike at 199* and rest is GLORY and HISTORY .. 3 chairs were broken ... fists were bumped .. high fives were exchanged everywhere in the TV room ...it was as if we all scored the 200* such was the involvement ..." HAIL the master " ...and it took a whole 8 hours for me to absorb the feat :D ... SACHIN IS GOD ,, and CRICKET MY RELIGION :D :)

____ :) i love ...

• the way you laugh - like a child...wide grin, head cocked to one side.
• the way you twist your nose and sniff midway in your endless chatter
• the way you can go on and on and on about books,academics,arts,tv soaps,Hrithik, and housing plans.. (how very interesting!..)
• the small mark on your right cheek
• the way you always hold my hand while crossing the road
• the way your face slopes into a cleft chin.....
• that you are as crazy about movies as I am
• that if I forget to give the old lady at the street-corner a coin, you will.
• the way you frown angrily when I put my head/hands out of a running cab to wave
• the way you are conscious of your nose (it's NOT big!)
• the way you smile at me
• the way you hit me on my head when the bike speed goes up
  
• the way you dance (so awkward, so very cute)
• the way you take me to the temple on my birthday
• the way you make up excuses for your excessive shopping when you start feeling guilty, e.g., 'It's OK. This is the first shopping spree this month...' or 'It's OK. We'll not eat anything for the rest of the month...' :)
• the way you love me.....